alone.

sometimes, actually a lot this week, i've felt alone. not just the, ooh it's kinda nice having some "me time" but the ooh wow, i finally realize i have no friends here in utah alone feeling. i know i'm whining, but it's my blog so i don't care. and it's not completely true that it's only because i left the beautiful island of hawaii behind six months ago, (because i don't think i had a lot of true friends there either, mostly just ones who would hangout with me if they had nothing better to do..but don't get me wrong, i miss the handful of friends who were actually real, but yaa..) idk, i also know that i need to try harder to make new friends here in salt lake, but it's difficult because i haven't started going to my singles ward yet..and idk bout ya'll but making new people, who you definitely don't know is a tricky thing, because you don't wanna be too clingy or something, but you don't wanna be one of those people who just cruises with someone cuz you ain't got anything better to do. i just need to go to that singles ward at the slcc institute and put myself out there. introduce myself to people who i think i could wanna be friends with. ugh i keep saying the word "friend" and it's getting irrits, so i'm gonna say people instead(: so yup, that's my goal for the weekend, go to the slcc and meet new people! and speaking of changes that have to do with slcc...i am starting to apply there. i know i know, i never really thought i'd end up at just some community college in taylorsville, utah, but eh whatever. this week has kinda been a rough one, mostly because bf has been so busy and i haven't seen him since sunday...which totally blows. i know that i should just be happy we're finally in the same state, but sometimes it's difficult to try and spend quality time with him when i know he has so much to do and i start to feel guilty when him hanging out with me affects his work during the day in a bad way :( ...no gf should ever have to feel like that, but it is what it is right now i guess. i don't wanna force him into seeing me, cuz that's just awkward because we both know i'm the one who guilted him into the situation...we just need to sit down and decide what can be sacrificed and what can't. because i know without a doubt i will not sacrifice time with the man i love just so he can go play rugby every single damn* night. but on a happier note, it's not like we don't talk, we still call each other before he falls asleep and text randomly thru the day, but it's not the same as cuddling and talking about silly things together, or going on walks thru our neighborhoods. i've started to read the scriptures more often now tho...which is definitely good! i'm just struggling with my own personal life right now, trying to find balance between my; religion, family, my hunnnnybabes, me time, trying to find a job, and just plain old sleeping (which doesn't come too often for me being alone on so many occasions) see i have this problem with a wandering brain. i can have a perfect day and think nothing negative, but then all of a sudden, BAM! outta no where one spec of doubt creeps in, not so much with doubt about me and hunnybabes, but more me and the gospel. i haven't been the best member of the church over the past few years. i've made plenty of mistakes to make me think, "what the heckkkk was i even thinking?!" but idk everything is progression, each day i try harder than the day before to be someone my family and my savior would be proud of. my friend kristen once told me that "you need to lean on the lord amber. you choose your happiness. boys don't give you confidence. the only thing that is firm and solid in your life that will bless you with confidence and happiness is the gospel. you're not alone. just remember..that christ was the only one that was truly alone. he did that just to make us not feel alone." ooh how i miss my best friend. she has been there for me so much this summer. especially when i had to make the difficult decision to move to utah, or the return to hawaii. she has given me so much inspiration just cuz she's always there to text or call, no matter what. i'm so glad i got a girl like hart to have my back. i'm definitely going to try harder to make new people (people as in friends, not makin legit people lol) and i'll keep ya'll posted bout itttt. and i know without a doubt that my savior loves me. i mean how can he not, he's sent so many people into my life that have helped me get thru the darkest hours and days of my life. many ofas(:





*pardon my language, but it's frustrating.